Today, David Cameron declared war on benefit fraud. La Reina del Drama can exclusively reveal transcripts of the secret tapes from the Tory/Coalition policy making session.
Cameron: I’ve been a tad concerned about how there seems to be a growing tide of resentment for those of us with significant sums of money and capital wealth. It reeks of petty jealousy.
Cable: Perhaps people think that this whole global financial crisis was brought about by greedy rich people trying to make more money for other greedy rich people and now that they have recovered thanks to massive government bailouts and are making lots of money again while most people are still suffering very badly amidst severe government cuts on everyday services, perhaps – and this is just a suggestion – perhaps people are starting to resent the rich. Do you think that could be the cause, sir?
Osborne: You idiot, Cable. Are you really trying to say that the British people blame the recession on the rich?
Cameron: I don’t think that’s exactly…
Cable: Yes.
Cameron: Yes, yes, that’s exactly what he meant. Spot on, Georgie.
Osborne: The British people hate rich people?
Cable: Um, I do feel that there is a rising tide of sentiment in that general direction sir, yes.
Osborne: That’s rubbish.
Cable: Is it?
Osborne: If the British people hated rich people, why did they vote for us?
Cameron: What about just the English, then?
Cable: Well, yes, I think you’ll find it was only the English that voted for you, I mean, us.
Osborne: Yes, that makes sense. I doubt the English hate the rich. That makes no sense.
Cameron: So, what are we going to do about it?
Hague: I’ve got an idea! We blame the poor!
Osborne: I love it!
Cameron: I love it!
Alexander: I love it too!
[pause]
What do you mean?
Hague: It’s simple. We say that poor people are stealing billions of pounds from the government coffers because they can’t be bothered to get off their lazy backsides and get a job like the rest of the hard working English population.
Cable: The British
Hague: What?
Cable: Um, you said “they can’t be bothered to get off their lazy backsides and get a job like the rest of the hard-working English population” and I think you meant British population.
Osborne: Do people in those other countries actually have jobs?
Hague: Whatever, British, English, who cares? The point is, poor people are to blame. For everything! Let’s remind people how much they hate the skivers. It will create such a wave of indignity across the nation that nobody will notice when bonuses get paid again and it will be a fantastic excuse for us to extinguish the whole welfare state! Benefit payments first, NHS....
Duncan Smith: Ah yes, that brings me to my part of the agenda. Apparently we lose £1.5bn a year to benefit fraud and another £1.6bn to administrative error. We should definitely do something about this but perhaps we should consider covering up the administrative error figure if we’re going to sack half the workforce of the DWP, because that might actually make administrative error…
Cameron: Absolutely incredible! We’re losing £3.2bn a year to people stealing from the taxpayer?
Osborne: I think we could safely round that up to £5.2bn.
Duncan Smith: Well, £1.5bn is our best estimate on fraud….
Cameron: It's quite wrong that there are people in our society who will behave like this. But we will not shrug our shoulders and let them get away with it any longer. We will take the necessary measures to stop fraud happening in the first place; root out and take tough action against those found committing fraud; and make sure the stolen money is paid back.
Cable: If you don’t mind me saying, gentleman, what if people bring up the whole rich thing again and compare this to unpaid taxes and tax avoidance schemes that the rich take advantage of?
Cameron: What!?
Cable: Well, all they’ll have to do is ask about Lord Ashcroft again. He alone owes the country £127 million in unpaid taxes, and that’s just one man. It won’t take too much addition to work out how much the rich are scamming from the taxpayer.
Cameron: What has Lord Ashcroft got to do with lazy thugs stealing from the taxpayer?
Cable: Just that he, and others like him, may also be perceived in the current stream of public opinion…
Osborne: You give the public too much credit, Vince.
Cable: Well, the media…
Cable’s voice is drowned out by raucous laughter.
Cameron: We need to do more to stop fraud – £1.5bn of hard earned taxpayers' money is being stolen from the taxpayer. This is simply not acceptable. Nor is it right that only £20m of benefit fraud-related debts are recovered each year. Or that three in four of those caught don't get prosecuted.
Clegg: Right then, I think I’ve got it now. Who did not want milk in their tea?
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