I got an email the other day. It went like this:
From: City Iron Man*Sent: 28 October 2010 11:45To: ‘gabrielle jackson’Subject: RE: Shoreditch dinner party
Have you heard that the Cording household was rocked last night by the discovery of vajazzling, which was being offered at their local nail and beauty parlour. Being a lady of the world you’re probably up to speed with the new trend. We on the other hand were oblivious to the practise.
If she hasn’t already contacted you on the subject could you email Riding Hood this morning and say how happy you are with your new vajazzle.
Intrigued, I replied.
From: gabrielle jackson [mailto:gabriellecj@hotmail.com]
Sent: 28 October 2010 11:53
To: City Iron Man
Subject: RE: Shoreditch dinner party
what the hell is vajazzling? i wouldn't know how to put it in a sentence...as you know, my only reference to popular culture is the X Factor, the other people in my office and Saturday's Guardian magazine and none of these avenues has yet introduced me to vajazzling. Damn! I knew it was a mistake not to buy the paper last weekend.....i am sure it would have been in ‘what's going up’! Give me a hint?
Knowing City Iron Boy and Riding Hood well enough to know that this would turn out to be a laugh, I decided to send the email to Riding Hood anyway.
From: gabrielle jackson [mailto:gabriellecj@hotmail.com]
Sent: 28 October 2010 11:53
To: Riding Hood
Subject: So happy
Just thought I'd write to tell you how excited I am about my new vajazzle. Have you got one yet? xox
The reply was almost instantaneous.
From: Riding Hood
To: gabriellecj@hotmail.com
Date: Thu, 28 Oct 2010 11:55:20 +0100
Subject: RE: So happy
I can ONLY assume you have been talking to Mr Cording this morning!!!! Lord you gave me a fright for a minute there!!!
Soon enough it transpired that it had been City Iron Boy, and not Mr Cording, that had put me up to that ridiculous email.
In the meantime, I had put my well-trained investigate journalism skills to use and googled “vajazzling”. I quickly discovered what a mistake that email had been when I came across ‘The Official Vajazzling Site’ at www.vajazzling.com. According to the site, vajazzling is:
“The act of applying glitter and jewels to a woman's nether regions for aesthetic purposes.”
On second thoughts, it probably wasn't in the Guardian's 'What's going up' column.
I was quite disconcerted. I felt violated and ashamed, especially when Riding Hood pointed out how disturbed she was by the title of my email: ‘So happy’.
I am not sure under what circumstances I would ever write to a friend to tell her anything at all about my vagina, let alone that I was “so happy” about it and enquiring as to whether she had done the same, but I can see why I had given poor Riding Hood a fright.
I can only say that I had been well and truly done over by City Iron Man (again). In revenge, I might email him after my next pap smear to let him know how it went.
Riding Hood and I spent some time pondering what type of person would want a vajazzle job and when we came up with nothing, I again consulted Google. Alas, there was Jennifer Love Hewitt on some late night talk show called ‘Lopez Live’ giggling about how she’d written a whole chapter in her book (she has a book? Why?) on vajazzling.
“It looks like a little disco ball down there, it’s great,” she told the hysterical audience.
And there you go, that’s the type of person who gets vajazzled: Jennifer Love Hewitt! Now I feel even more dirty, ashamed and humiliated. I have spent all the years since Party of Five trying to erase any trace of Jennifer Love Hewitt from my brain. I have avoided every teen horror movie, every stupid TV show about ghosts and everything she has ever done, and right when I think her annoying persona has entirely gone form my memory, there she is on TV describing her vagina as a disco ball. In the name of vajazzling!
I am permanently scarred, and like all self-obsessed people, feel others should have to share in my pain.
So here you are, friends, from me to you; Jennifer Love Hewitt on vajazzling:
If you’ve had a vajazzling experience that you’d like to share with our readers, please refrain and seek psychiatric help immediately.
You just wait City Iron Man. Just wait.
* For obvious reasons, the names and identities of the people involved have been protected; some better than others…
